I always thought back in 2006 that 2007 would be the year of changes. After graduating and its possibilities afterward, becoming more successful and doing things that would better support my family would become even easier. It’s been a long and busy year. Then 2007 became a year of unexpected changes. This is the first Thanksgiving without my grandmother. It’s been pretty tough and the last six months after her passing has been rough on me personally. I rarely, if even really talk about it. But I realize that during this past weekend how much of a depression and impact it’s been on me. The affect and outcome of it has weighed heavily on my outlook upon everything and has left me feeling like I could have done more somehow, with my life, with perhaps being more successful sooner in order to make a difference. I know that there are so many possibilities that could have changed the outcome of what’s happened. Not a day passes without me hearing her voice calling me name. A family nickname that was given to me by my grandparents, a name that’s has been used by my whole entire family change its inception. I don’t try to forget it, as I know once it’s gone…I will not be able to reclaim it within my thoughts and memories. And then there are the few days before my grandmother’s passing, while she was still conscious and I visited daily. The last few days, she was not lucid and not capable of communicating in any sort of comprehendible manner. The last day she was still conscious, she was in so much pain, she kept mumbling something towards my grandfather and I in the hospital room. My grandmother looked at both of us, directly in our eyes, going back and forth mumbling unintelligible expressions that we could not understand. Regardless of which, we knew she was in excruciating pain. There was nothing we could do, I tried to tell the nurses over and over again…and it fell on deaf ears. I should have been more persuasive and convincing, perhaps forced a doctor to come over and been compelling about the overall situation. Instead, I lacked the strength to do what was needed to be done. The circumstances itself left me lost for words and unable to focus on what needed to be done. I like to think I have done a good job of hiding my feelings and emotions about this ever since my grandmother’s passing. I mean, it obviously is something to move on from. However, it’s effectively sterilized any positive feelings towards anything for some time. I’ve dive into projects at work in order to snub my feelings and ignore what’s been going on in my mind. It’d work for short brief periods of time. Nevertheless, it’s only delayed the evitable…which came out this weekend. There has to be a better way to cope with this… Happy national turkey day… | 
